I Need To Listen More

Today Vashti my fiance came to speak to me. She is struggling with life. In the past I have been a Youth Pastor first and a person second. My identity was what I did and not who I was.

So for the past few weeks I have without noticing it been a Youth Pastor to her and not a person. I have been quick to give advice and be the hero and slow to be a person who listen and is just present. I have fallen in the trap of being spectacular and to be all things to all people (Dangerous thing this ego)

I really hate what I term "Porno" Christianity. What I hate more than the posters, bangles and the dvd's is "Porno" books but I was given 5 love languages by my brother as a present. Despite the "Porno" in it I have been able to see things that I could use to love Vashti more.

Maybe the Jesus in me is learning to start listening in weird places.

Spring Has Sprung

Spring is nature's way of saying, "Let's party!" ~Robin Williams

I like winter, but eventually it gets old and dry and well really blaaah. Today in the Southern Hemisphere we sit in Spring :) and its awesome to see. Just outside my flat is a tree with the most beautiful buds growing. It's amazing what a day like spring can do. It seems in a way to lift the spirits. Offer new life and make the world seem life a happy place (unless you live in England)

I am excited for this spring in my life cause winters over and its time to party

Hope in Death

I know people don't die... In fact I know that because I have faith in a God who had the final say in death.

That however does not make death and easy thing to deal with. I have sat for a week now listening to other peoples stories and have been deeply impacted by them. I have a deep sense of loss. My tears are other peoples tears and my heart seems to beat in the pain of others. Is this how we were created? Is this part of what it means to be a community? Is this what Jesus meant when he said "when you did it for the least of these you did it to me"

How much emotion is too much? Should ministers be like doctors? A bible in the one hand and a shovel in the other?

I just know these emotions of mine are in uncharted territory and its hard.

Faith makes things Hard because there is always a place for my hope to be wrong.

Death

What is it about death that scares us? Makes the human soul weep? Leaves us begging for more of what was lost.

Yesterday Wesley a 20 year old in our youth committed suicide

.

I saw young people cry, break and people hurt from the very place that love flowed from.

Wes we shall never know why but we celebrate your life and hope you enjoy the moves in the eternal dance that you are now part of.

Here I am send me

I hate the bible sometimes. So often it can leave me feeling empty and lost and at the same time it can give me hope in the love and movement of God in the world.

Its no secret to the people who know me that lately I have been feeling pretty sad about the church and my calling to the God has really taken a knock. I wonder if minister are ever called by God or are they called by the church?

Anyway so I have been thinking about my calling. I am tired..... Tired of many things but the thing that probably makes me tired the most is my theology. Being labeled as a "Liberal" "Post Modernist" "Emergent" "Satanist" has one thing in common, the fight. I have to constantly defend my views and am almost always labeled as wrong without being hear, instead of being accepted as a disciple. I am tired of fighting and not being love by my fellow disciples.

So today I was watching Rhythm by Rob Bell at youth church and he spoke about being part of Gods song. Being in tune to the music of God and playing in that rhythm. In one part of the video I felt vulnerable, safe, open, closed, lonely, cared for, sinner, graced....The emotions were just one of the same and at times totally separate. All I could hear was hear I am send me....And here you are, so am I.

I don't know if minister is where I want to be, in fact there is very little I do know, however, in the word of all who fought for the rhythm of God I shall say "Here I am send me" and I am sure that God will reply "Here you are, so am I"

Church?

Is the church dead? Is it dying? or could it be far more alive than I ever could imagine?

Recently I heard from Dion Foster that the business world and the church have a completely different language. So much so that the church is seen as out of touch and has lost the plot. We can debate the fact but we can see it in Europe that the church is dead. We can debate the where it started, The crusades (with the church killing for God) The enlightenment (Thinking in a new way which the churches responses was fundamentalism) or could it have been when the church split in the reformation. Regardless of the fact the church in the west is dying.

I can see why. I see it in the boring meetings and the lack of God in the finances or even claiming to be Christ's hands but keeping them in its pockets. The church claims to have Christ but what it has is a bank account, nice tea cups and lovely dead flowers. Where is God? Where is the Jesus who challenged the very structure that people of his day called Church? What would Jesus say of his church? Would his bride be a whore? Would his

body have missing limbs or even in the grave?

Some questions that have been running through my mind is simple but rocked me to my core.

1. Should we as the next generation leave the church to die, (the current structure of church) but work with the young so they can rise from the ashes

2. Am I called to the church or to follow Jesus?

3. What has the church to offer the world in terms of corruption

One of my favourite sayings comes from St. Augustine who said " The church is a whore but she is my mother"

God would you guide me in the quest for more questions and answers that lead to more questions?

Blogging For The Soul

So I haven't blogged in awhile and I was thinking that I actually miss it. So I have decided to give it a shot again. This time I do it not for opinion or for understanding but just cause.

I just got to thinking where is my life now.....

Here some questions :

Is it ok to dislike the church?

Am I alone in this world?

What is the Gospel?

Who is Jesus?

And why do all of the above make me at this point in time so depressed with my life....

Its a conundrum of questions but I hope I might get some insight to them all.

Ciao